For many of us, the pandemic revealed just how difficult it can be to truly stay connected with our own families.
Being confined to our homes introduced a new dynamic that forced us to live together, share, and spend long hours side by side. But being physically present is not enough to create a healthy relationship that fosters holistic growth.
At first, we all know that our children need different things from us depending on their stage of development. When they are babies, their total dependence forces us to meet their immediate needs and set aside our privacy and selfishness. As they grow, the dynamic changes—less physical effort is required, and more emotional focus is needed. They no longer need to be carried or dressed, but they still need us to listen, pay attention, and—above all—to be truly present.
However, for our influence to genuinely impact our children’s lives, we must offer more than physical presence. It’s about more than living under the same roof or sharing the same table. In the times when our work came home with us, we had to learn to navigate that dynamic with wisdom.
Some parents maintain a caregiving standard in which they are 100 percent present and attentive to their children all the time—a situation that does not actually help kids grow to be resilient, independent, or self-motivated. And in most of these cases, parents make another mistake: being physically present but completely distracted.
From my own experience, I confess that I’ve failed every time I looked at my phone while my children were talking to me or seeking my attention or help. They have often had to ask or explain the same thing several times because I wasn’t really listening. When this happens, I try to acknowledge my mistake, ask for forgiveness, and set aside what distracts me so I can invest in what matters most.
“The pandemic has left us with very important lessons—like realizing how much time we can spend physically present in our homes while our minds and hearts are somewhere else.”
— David McCormick
It’s striking how we can live so much time with our family and still feel there’s no deep connection. The mental distraction we allow blocks the emotional and spiritual connection we long to have with those we love the most.
The most consistent pattern I see in the families I work with in therapy is that when parents are distracted—mainly by technology—children learn to be distracted as well, shaping their relational habits in the same way. Kids learn that they can be close to someone without engaging in deeper conversation or paying attention. This can be overwhelming, but there are practical steps we can take to change it.
Clear rules
In my case, I couldn’t rely on self-discipline or discretion alone, so I had to implement certain rules to help me prioritize my children’s attention. They don’t need me all the time, but when I am with them, I strive to be 100 percent present. That means that when I set aside time to invest in my children’s lives, I make myself leave my phone somewhere it won’t distract me. When our children get this quality time, their trust in us strengthens, and it creates opportunities to talk about the most important matters.
Confession and accountability
Although I set time aside each day to put my phone away completely, I realized that when I still had access to social media—even with certain limits—I wasted a lot of time that I could have invested in my children. So I began confessing the sin of distraction and wasted time, allowing others to share my burden. Now, I have certain people I confess to when I fail, and they encourage me to keep prioritizing in ways that honor God.
Distraction has so deeply permeated our lives that without a clear strategy for paying attention, we’ll end up with a lot of time together but very little real connection. To fight what distracts us and to be present with our children, we must turn our priorities into concrete actions and start living more consistently. In doing so, we can honor God through our relationship with our children—a relationship that mirrors His own with us: a Father who is present, trustworthy, accessible, and attentive to His children.