Control is the power to direct or dominate something or someone. Understanding that definition, should we seek to control our own children?
When a baby is born, we have a lot of control over them. We choose whether they wear a dress, pants, or a lion costume. We can set alarms and put them to bed at a certain time, feed them eggplant and celery puree. But as every parent knows, it’s only a matter of time before the fortress of control we believe we have begins to crumble. God has not given us the ability to have absolute control over anything—much less over another being who bears His image.
When you feel the desire to control every decision and aspect of your children’s lives, you are revealing what is in your heart. As we often do, we take the good things God gives us and enthrone them. The control we might have over our children starts as something good, with a genuine desire to guide them along right and just paths. But when we seek to control their decisions more than to connect with their hearts, we lose sight of our best example: God as our Father.
What would your life look like if God controlled every one of your decisions? Of course, our sovereign God has control over everything, but within that control He allows us to choose and take steps—even wrong ones. If God forced us to obey, would that obedience be a fruit of love? How would we know what love really is?
Part of our job as parents is to guide our children and provide protective boundaries and real consequences for their decisions. We want them to grow with an understanding of sin and the beauty of living a life that honors God, to know the Gospel—but no matter how good we are as parents, we cannot produce in them what only God’s Spirit can do. Moreover, God doesn’t demand something from us that we cannot fulfill. We do not have the ability to control our children, and therefore, it is not part of our responsibilities.
If you are going through difficult situations with your children, it’s a good time to remember that you have no control over the outcomes. I know parents who have loved their children with firmness and understanding in the Lord’s ways, and yet, like prodigal souls, their children have sought other paths to find meaning in life. There comes a time when our children can pack their things and leave. My hope is that we can understand this long before we actually lose control over them.
Instead of being a burden, this realization brings us great relief. Not because we can be passive or permissive, but because we can love and discipline passionately while knowing that only God can bring about the results we long for. We can entrust our children’s lives to God. He has chosen you to be their mother or father, to use your hands and voice to cultivate eternal fruit. God calls us to equip, teach, guide, lead, discipline, and above all, love our children—but you must understand that the steering wheel is not in your hands; it is in the hands of someone far more capable. If you believe that you must control your children in order for them to become good people, you are believing a lie that will harm those you love the most. Without falling into permissiveness, you can walk freely and with a light heart, knowing that the One who holds the stars is the same One who came up with the idea of making you a parent. And He does not fail.