It has become incredibly common to hear people talking about boundaries in their relationships. However, we tend to talk about boundaries as a helpful concept or theory instead of a liberating way of living. As a concept, boundaries are helpful in that they help us understand that we need to mark off certain areas or space to take care of ourselves and the ones we love. Yet if boundaries in your life are simply a concept, you are definitely missing the point.
When someone says “I have boundaries” in a certain relationship, I always ask the follow-up question, “What are those boundaries?”. If the person is unable to describe and define the boundaries, I understand that the term continues to be a concept but has not been translated into a useful practice. For example, in a strenuous relationship with an aging parent, the adult child could talk about how they need boundaries with their father or mother. This realization could stem from the fact that most interactions are littered with passive aggressive comments and riddled with belittling undertones. In this relationship, boundaries as a concept can bring some clarity, but boundaries as a practice will bring freedom and health. Boundaries with a difficult family member need to exist in time and space with a specificity that will bring clarity in all interactions.
In the example of the adult child with an belittling aging parent, a boundary could be that visits will be limited to once or twice a week, or conversations will always take place with a third party present. While these specific boundaries may come across as a lack of love, they are actually ways of saying, “I love you and want to give you the best of me. In order to do that well, I need to limit our interactions so you don’t keep hurting me and bringing me down.” In other scenarios specific topics should be off-limits and in extreme cases communication should be limited to email or written correspondence. The beauty of boundaries is that they don’t have to be permanent. Maybe the implementation of boundaries will eventually lead to changes that will render the current boundaries unnecessary. It is wise to put a time limit on your boundaries and have a discerning friend help you evaluate the boundary after a few months.
While it is a great first step to appreciate the concept of boundaries, to get the most out of them we need to put them into practice. Take a moment to write down some difficult relationships or situations and then write what specific boundaries you can practice that would be freeing for you. Loving difficult people without boundaries is just a way to set yourself up for failure. Instead of being loving, living without boundaries in certain relationships is actually a cruel thing to do.